Not So Fast
Things aren’t always what they seem. Often when we see or hear things, we create a story to explain what we are seeing and hearing. We don’t realize that our story is not what we see or hear; it’s our making meaning of what we see and hear. This happens every day. We quickly tell ourselves stories about why people are doing things (usually things that we don’t like), and we believe the stories we make up. Then we act on our stories and potentially create problems.
Here’s an example: I had just pulled into the Reston, Virginia Giant Foods parking lot and was about to get out of the car. In the rear view mirror I saw two college-age guys in t-shirts pull up in a Jeep. They quickly hopped out of the car and fixed their eyes on the car parked next to mine – another Jeep. I saw them glancing around the parking lot as if noticing whether they were being noticed. Then they ran up to the Jeep parked right next to me, and with each coming up a different side of the car, they deftly removed the front doors. Just as quickly they darted back to the other Jeep, put the doors on it, and pulled out of the parking lot, again looking around to see who was watching.
I turned to my brother-in-law and said, “Mark, I think those guys just stole the doors off that Jeep!” “Yeah, they did,” he said. I wasn’t quick enough to get the license plate number of the jeep pulling out of the lot. But, as we got out of our car, I wrote down the license plate number of the jeep that was now missing its two front doors.
When we got back to my brother-in-law’s home, I called the Herndon County Sheriff’s department (neither Mark nor I had a cell phone with us in the car). I said, “I want to report what I think is a theft.” I explained what happened and a sheriff’s deputy asked me a number of questions. When he was finished, I said, “If you contact the owner of the Jeep that got its doors taken, please give him my phone number and ask him to call me. I’d love to know what happened.” I had a strange feeling that I couldn’t quite explain.
About two hours later, my cell phone rang. The conversation went something like this:
“Is this Roger Schwarz?”
“Yes”
“Hey man, my name’s John and I really want to thank you for reporting the stolen doors on my jeep. I really appreciate it man.”
“You’re welcome,” I replied, feeling very much the good citizen.
“Actually, that was my buddy and me taking the doors off my Jeep. I had parked my Jeep in the Giant Food lot and we were heading to the beach in my buddy’s Jeep. But we realized that we needed doors and his Jeep didn’t have any. So we pulled back into the parking lot, grabbed my doors and put them on his car for the day. But it was great that you reported this. I’d love to buy you a beer or take you out for a drink sometime.”
“I appreciate the offer, but I’m just visiting from North Carolina. Anyway, thanks for letting me know what happened.”
“Sure thing. Bye.”
How can you use this story?
When I’ve had a frustrating interaction with someone, and I start telling myself a story about why the person is doing what he is doing, I often remind myself of the Jeep story. I realize that I’m making up a story and I don’t know whether it is valid. My goal is to catch myself before I act on my story and potentially create problems. That prompts me to get curious and find out what the other person’s intent was. It usually turns out that it’s different from the one I attributed to the person.
What’s your story?
Each of us has a story about a time we were absolutely convinced that we knew what another person was doing and why he or she was doing it – and it turned out we were completely wrong. Keep your story handy, tell it to yourself often. It will help you notice when you are starting to tell yourself another story that can create problems for you and others.
Originally published October 2007
