Are You Listening? Ask and Find Out.

To have productive conversation you have to really listen. I’m guessing you’ve heard this hundreds of times before. This is true especially when you are trying to solve a problem with someone who has different views than you. But how can you tell if you are really listening to others? In the end, it’s as simple as asking.

Before you ask others, here are a few questions to ask yourself. If you can answer these questions, you have been listening carefully enough to understand the other person’s perspective. That means you are well positioned to solve a problem with the other person in a way that works for both of you.

What information about the situation do we both agree on? What information about the situation do we see differently?

By understanding what information you see differently, you are positioned to figure out whether you are really talking about the same things or have different interpretations of what you think are the same data. Only after you have a common set of information can you move forward together.

What interests do we share? What interests does this person have that I don’t have?

By understanding the other person’s interests, you can craft solutions that they (and you) will be committed to. Remember that just because a person has different interests from you, doesn’t mean that they are incompatible with yours.

What assumptions is this person making that I am also making? What assumptions is the person making that are different from mine?

You have to listen very carefully to answer this question. Sometimes people will say something like, “I’m assuming that . . . . “ More often you may need to infer their assumptions from their comments.

What did the person say that leads me to be confident about my answers?

Answering this question increases the chance that you are accurately answering the other questions. Try to remember the exact words the person used; this will help you check whether the person really said it or you imagined it. You may learn some of the answers to these questions simply by listening to what the other person is saying. In other cases, to get the full answer, you may need to be curious and ask the person directly about their interests or assumptions.

Now here is a challenge: Answer these questions in a way that the other person will agree with your answer if you share it with him or her. If you can do this, then you are listening carefully enough to appreciate the other person’s perspective. The ultimate test of how well you are listening is to test out your understanding with that person – essentially ask them if they think you’ve been listening. Say something like, “Let me see if I understand how you are thinking about this differently from me. I’m thinking X and you’re thinking Y. Where am I off?” Not only will this test your listening, it will also demonstrate to the other person that you are trying to understand. And that is critical for solving problems together.

Originally published January 2010