Are Your Questions Counterproductive? Take the “You Idiot” Test

“You don’t really think that solution will work, do you?”

“Why do you think I asked you to proofread it before we printed it?”

“Are you going to let me finish?”

What do all of these questions have in common (including this one)? They are rhetorical. Rhetorical questions like these can feel good to ask. It’s a way to score some quick – and often clever – verbal points when we’re in a frustrating situation. But, we use rhetorical questions to make a point or to make people do something, not because we are looking for an answer. And that’s the problem.

When you ask rhetorical questions, you implicitly embed your point of view in the question. When you say, “You don’t really think that solution will work, do you?,” you are basically stating that you don’t think the solution will work and that you think the other person should be thinking the same way.

So, why is this a problem (rhetorical question again)? At a minimum, it’s a problem because rhetorical questions don’t help you learn anything. And, if your rhetorical questions are particularly pointed, they can lead others to feel insulted, cornered or discounted; they will often “check out” of the conversation, resist your efforts, and trust you less. In short, you lose them. That makes it harder to generate and implement good decisions that everyone can commit to. Test this for yourself: how do you react to questions like the ones at the top of this piece?

We typically ask these pointed rhetorical questions when we’re feeling frustrated with the person (or people) who are not agreeing with us. In short we’re usually thinking the person doesn’t understand the situation, is just plain wrong, or both.

To figure out whether you are asking pointed rhetorical questions and to prevent yourself from asking them, I’ve developed the simple “You Idiot” test. Here’s how it works.

• Privately say to yourself the question you intend to ask. For example, “Why do you think I asked you to proofread it before we printed it?”
• At the end of your private question, add the words “you idiot.” Now you’re saying to yourself, “Why do you think I asked you to proofread it before we printed it, you idiot?” Actually, you can use any number of phrases. You might prefer “you jerk,” “you dummy,” “you bozo,” “you slacker,” or a similar phrase of your choosing.
• If the words “you idiot” follow naturally from your question, you’re about to ask a pointed rhetorical question. Stop. Identify what would be helpful to say and then figure out a genuine question you want to ask so you can better understand how the other person is thinking differently about the situation.

Try this next time you’re about to release a sharp rhetorical question. You’ll build better relationships and get better results.

Originally published July 2008