Dealing with Interrogators

My friend Avi was making his daily two-hour commute home from Philadelphia to New Jersey. He was trying to reduce his time on the freeway, and was – well, let’s just say he was traveling fast. A state trooper pulled him over.

    “Do you know what the speed limit is?” the trooper asked.

    “Sixty-five, officer,” Avi replied respectfully.
    
    “Do you know how fast you were going?” the trooper asked.

    “I was probably going about 80, officer,” Avi said respectfully.

    “You were going 90,” the officer said.

    “Do you know what lane you were in?” the officer continued.

    “Yes officer. The left lane,” Avi replied.

    “Do you know what the rule is about the left lane?” the officer continued with his
     interrogation.

    “Yes officer,” Avi replied not knowing where this was leading.

    “What’s the rule?” the officer pressed.

    “The left lane is supposed to be used only for passing,” Avi responded, beginning to tire
     of the questions.

    “So, why were you traveling in the left lane?” the officer asked.

    “Well,” Avi shot back, no longer willing to play the game, “since I was going 90, I was
     bound to be passing someone!”
 
You may not have encountered this type of questioning from a state trooper, but you’ve probably experienced it from someone in your organization. The person asking the questions thinks you don’t know what you’re talking about, you made a poor decision, or you did something stupid. Typically, he questions you – sometimes grills you – without letting you know why he’s asking the questions. Although he may have more power and authority than you, people who have less authority also use this approach: they use questions to indirectly make their point as a way of controlling the conversation and it results in your feeling annoyed or anxious.

Responding cleverly, like my friend Avi, can feel good momentarily, but often escalates the situation (the trooper started writing the ticket immediately after Avi delivered his witty response.) Yet complying by continuing to respond to a stream of questions just reinforces their behavior and increases your stress.

What’s a better approach when someone starts to question you like that? First, name what you see happening. Second, share your inference about what’s going on. Third, test your inference and explain why you’re doing so. For example, if someone starts to ask you a number of questions about a decision you made, you might say something like: “You’re asking me a bunch of questions about why I made this decision (step 1). You haven’t said so directly, but it sounds to me like you think I’ve made a poor choice (step 2). Is that what you’re thinking? I’m asking because if you have concerns, I really want to hear them directly so we can address them (step 3).”

When you respond this way, you are transparent about what you’re thinking, you are curious about what the other person thinks, and you are seeking to be accountable while also asking that person to be accountable. You are also acting with compassion. This approach increases the chance that you’ll better understand the person’s real concerns so you can begin to address them together. And likely you will both feel less annoyance and stress.

Originally Published September 2012