Gift or Toxic Asset? How to Figure Out Whether to Rehash the Past
“If I bring up this example, will it help the group develop shared understanding, learn from our past experiences, and move forward with new insights and appreciation for others’ perspectives? Or will it open old wounds and send us back into the same old circular discussions and resentments with no resolution in sight?”
These questions arose in my work with a management team that was making great progress shifting from the Unilateral Control model to the Mutual Learning model. They would often get stuck using concrete examples from their organization, especially if the example referred to something that had created misunderstandings in the past.
During one meeting with this group, I introduced the idea of a “gift”—something a person says to you that creates an opportunity to deepen understanding. The team liked this concept and found it helpful, but still struggled to figure out whether it would be productive to bring up examples of past discussions and events during their meetings. One group member summed up their dilemma by saying, “Our past history together doesn’t feel like a gift—it feels more like a toxic asset.”
Gift or Toxic Asset?
I’ve identified three conditions where the team’s use of a past example led it into a downward spiral, rather than new learning and forward progress.
- People were using a Unilateral Control mindset. That is, they assumed that their version of events was the “true” one, and anyone who saw it differently was wrong or in denial about what had happened.
- There was not clear understanding about the reason for raising a particular example or its connection to the meeting’s purpose. People were sometimes unclear about the link between an example and the topic under discussion, but were reluctant to say so because they thought other people were finding the discussion useful. There was a pattern of diving into the details of the example before the group had jointly decided what kinds of specific examples would be helpful to share.
- The example came from another context, not past group discussions. This was especially problematic when the past examples came from one-on-one conversations outside the group setting. It was difficult to explore how different people had interpreted the event if one of them wasn’t there.
I don’t think examples are always either a gift or a toxic asset—the same example can be either or both, depending on how you frame it. I offer these reflection questions to help you identify your own motives and mindset:
- Can you explain my purpose and reasoning for wanting to share this example, so the group can make an informed choice about whether and how to have the discussion?
- Are you able to describe your recollection of what happened without assuming that your perspective is “fact,” and be open to the possibility that others may remember it differently?
- Is your intent to learn?
- Does the example come from a past group discussion where most or all of these same participants were present?
- Do you believe that this past example needs to be explored in order for the group to work together effectively in the future?
If you can answer “yes” to each of these questions, you’re probably carrying a gift; I suggest you offer it to your group and invite them to open it.
Originally published May 2010
