How to Open Gifts (Not the Kind You’re Thinking of)

People you work with regularly offer you gifts—not just at holiday times, but throughout the year.

The gifts aren’t chocolates, gift cards, or mugs. And they’re not wrapped up in lovely boxes with beautiful bows.

These are spoken gifts, nicely wrapped in a non-specific compliment, or not-so-nicely wrapped in a vague criticism or complaint. They are also nonverbal gifts, wrapped in a positive gesture like a thumbs-up or negative gesture like rolling eyes.

Ineffective leaders reject or ignore these gifts. Effective leaders open them, regardless of the wrapping, so they can learn what they are doing that’s helpful or not helpful for the gift-giver.

For example, you’re receiving a nicely wrapped gift when a team member says, “You did a great job on that presentation to the directors.” The compliment is the wrapping. You can unwrap and open the gift to learn more by saying something like, “Thanks. I’m curious, what was it that I did that you thought was great? I’m asking because I want to make sure to keep on doing it.”

You’re receiving a not-so-nicely wrapped gift if a team member that reports to you says, “I would have achieved all my goals this year if I had support from key people.” Here, the complaint is the wrapping. The gift is the opportunity to learn what “if I had support from key people” means.

If you let the comment pass without asking about or responding to it, you’re ignoring the gift. If you say, “We’re here to talk about your performance, not mine,” you’re rejecting the gift.

But if you open the gift, you say something like, “Am I one of the key people who you feel you weren’t getting support from? I’m asking because if I am, I’d really like to learn what I’m doing that isn’t helping you and what I can do to better support you. I’m wondering if some of the things I was doing to try to support you weren’t really helpful.” When you respond with a mindset of curiosity, accountability, and compassion, you’re starting a conversation that can lead to better results and a better relationship.

You don’t have to wait for an important conversation to look for gifts; sometimes the most valuable gifts come up in casual conversations. For example, if you’re asking a team member about a project, and they sigh and say, “Don’t worry we got it covered.” You can open that gift by saying something like, “When you sighed and said that, I’m thinking there’s something about the project or me, that’s frustrating you. Is that the case? I’m asking because, if it is, I want to figure out what we and I need to do differently.”

When a gift is poorly wrapped—when it sounds, feels, or looks bad—our immediate natural reaction is to either reject the gift or ignore it by saying nothing. This is our brain’s hard-wired fight-or-flight response that serves to protect us from potential threats to our lives. This response served our ancestors well thousands of years ago when the primary threat was loss of life from a large animal or fellow humans. Unfortunately, today, this natural response still operates even when our threat comes from an unpleasant comment or nonverbal expression. As a result, our effort to protect ourselves from an imaginary threat leads us to miss the real opportunity for learning.

By shifting your mindset from one of fight-or-flight to curiosity and learning, you begin to see these comments and gestures as some of the most valuable gifts you can receive. If you have trouble recognizing these gifts when they’re offered, look for times when someone says something or does something that bothers you, puzzles you, or that you disagree with.

When you accept and open someone’s gift by responding with curiosity and compassion, you are also giving a gift in return. You’re helping to create the psychological safety needed for you and the gift-giver to better understand each other, so that together you can work more effectively together. This kind of gift is priceless.

During the holidays, and all year, be generous in accepting and opening these gifts. They are the ways that create stronger working relationships and better results.

Revised December 2023, originally published December 2012