How to Prepare for a Disagreement

Sometimes you need to have a conversation and you know it’s going to be challenging. You’ve already talked with this person before and the two of you see things very differently. Maybe you want one solution and they want another. It looks like it’s not possible to do both.

People spend a lot of time preparing for these conversations. If you’ve been in this situation, you probably thought about all the points you wanted to make in the conversation and how you would counter every point the other person made. Almost without thinking about it, you approach the conversation like a game of chess, anticipating every possible opponent move and preparing to neutralize it. Sound familiar?

Unfortunately, this kind of preparation usually contributes to the very results you’re trying to avoid. Approaching a challenging conversation so you can learn with the other person and craft a solution that will work for everyone takes a very different kind of preparation. Here are some tips to prepare in a way that increases the likelihood that you’ll achieve a quality result:

Identify your interests.

You may be clear that you want to start the project next week instead of next quarter or that you want to run the project instead of the other division, but do you know what about your solutions are important to you? Interests are underlying needs that lead you to propose certain solutions. Practice completing this sentence as many times as necessary to get clear about your interests: “No matter what solution we come up with, it needs to be one that…” When you’re done, you have a list of interests that you can share in the conversation.

Identify your assumptions.

Everyone has assumptions they make about what kind of solutions will work and what kind won’t work. Every assumption you make that is unnecessary reduces your ability to find a solution that works for you and others. For example, if you incorrectly assume that you have to staff your project only with employees, you unnecessary exclude any solutions involving subcontractors. Practice completing this sentence as many times as necessary to get clear about your assumptions: “I am assuming that …” Make sure you include assumptions about what solutions will work and assumptions you are making about the other people involved in the situation. When you’re done, you have a list of assumptions that you can test out during the conversation to see if they are valid.

Get curious.

Most of us go into challenging conversations with a semi-conscious, counterproductive program: we’re sure we know what others are thinking or we don’t care what they are thinking. We just want things to go our way, and we believe we are right. To make the conversation useful, get curious about what you don’t know for sure. You know the other person’s position, but do you really know their underlying interests? Do you know what assumptions they are making? Do you know what their reasoning was that led them to the conclusion you think makes no sense? Practice completing this sentence as many times as necessary to identify what you need to learn: “One thing I don’t understand about how you are thinking about this situation is ….” When you’re done, you’ll have a list of questions you can ask, not to use against the person, but to understand how they are seeing things differently. Only when you really understand how their thinking differs from yours can you begin to work on bridging the gap and finding a solution that will work for both of you.

Originally published July 2007