Making Effective Transition: What I Learned at (my son’s) College
Whatever the transition you face, there are some basic steps you can follow to make it more effective:
- Name the transition that you see happening; ask others whether they see a similar transition.
- Explain why you want to talk about the transition and how to manage it; ask if they are willing to do so.
- Explain the needs you would like to have met in managing the transition; ask for their needs.
- Jointly design a way to manage the transition that meets the various needs.
A few weeks ago my son started college. My wife, our son, and I took turns driving the more than 600 miles from our home in Chapel Hill, North Carolina to his school in Oberlin, Ohio. With eleven hours together on the road, we had time to talk about a lot of topics, which we did. But there was one important conversation we didn’t have. No, it wasn’t about sex or drugs in college – we’ve had those conversations. Ironically, it was a conversation that I regularly help others have. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Oberlin College did a nice job orienting parents to the school and helping them think about the transition that they and their sons and daughters would be going through. One of the orientation sessions my wife and I attended was called “Letting Go”. It was designed to help parents make the transition from high school parents to college parents; a transition to more child autonomy and responsibility and less, or perhaps different, parent involvement. For example, we would no longer call our child on Saturday night at 11:30 to find out where he was and when he will be “home” and in bed.
At the beginning of the “Letting Go” session, the chairperson stated that the presenters’ comments would be directed at parents and that students were welcome to stay. At one point, a parent asked whether students would be hearing a similar session, expressing her hope that her child would understand some of the issues about letting go. The chairperson responded that a similar session wasn’t planned. While I thought a similar session could have been useful, it didn’t occur to me until later that the chairperson might have said, “We think an important way for your son and daughter to understand these issues is for you to talk with him or her about it.”
In short, the session leaders talked about letting go, but they never talked about talking about letting go.
I don’t remember anyone saying something like, “Talk with your son and daughter about how you want to manage the transition together. Talk about how each of you will want to do things differently what leads you to want to do things differently, and how it may be hard to act differently. Parents, don’t assume that your child knows why you’re pulling back. Students, don’t assume that your parents know why you’ve stopped communicating as much. By talking about it, you can all manage this important transition better.”
Even if you’re not sending a child off to college, you’re probably experiencing important transitions in important relationships.
You may be giving a direct report more responsibility or taking on more responsibility as a direct report; getting a new boss or new direct reports; getting married or divorced or having a family member get married or divorced; starting an important customer relationship; planning for retirement; taking on more responsibility for elderly parents; or acquiring a new organization or being acquired.
One of the core values of the Mutual Learning approach is transparency. This means explaining what you are saying and doing. In this case, being transparent means explaining that you are going to intervene less in your child’s daily life, what you are trying to achieve for you and your child by doing this, and how it might be difficult. It also helps to combine your transparency with curiosity and find out what your child thinks about this.
Originally published September 2007
